Humorist On Housing Pillows

"The house next door is similar to this one but not quite as grand."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Pest Control

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

'Is the fire included?'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"Efficiency tombs available"

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"I've downsized."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

It looks like wood, but it's actually vinyl siding.

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'