Humorist On Housing Mugs

"The house next door is similar to this one but not quite as grand."

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Pest Control

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

'Is the fire included?'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"Efficiency tombs available"

"I've downsized."

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.