Household Renegade Gifts

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

LAY ZEE FUK

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

"It's a recipe from the 'Anti-Christ' cookbook."

"Now, what? I'm wearing a hair net."

'Did you follow a recipe book for this dish?'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'I know I promised to love, honour and cherish you but I don't remember saying I'd cook for you.'

"If it says to add water, and I'm the one who adds it, I'm cooking."

'Say, Doc, I'll need more of that steroid stuff for old King. He's still kind of peaked. Must need some heavy doses."

Complaints (just kidding).

"Where do you keep the non-educational stuff?"

'Due to concerns about Global Warming...I'm through with cooking.'

'I'm sorry, but I just don't think you're cut out to sell real estate.'

Leonardo Meets the I.R.S.

"Mr McNab gives primal scream therapy for shoplifters."

'The cows are out and are not expected back.'

"This recipe turned out awful despite me substituting every major ingredient."

'And I got this scar when I got in a crush of plump women rushing to buy Leviathongs at the mall sale...'

It says 'item is returnable if repackaged exactly as sent.'"

"I've decided to give up my day to day responsibilities."

'It's not my job to argue with you, sir. So, I'm turning you over to Mrs Yomp.'

"If we can't find all the ingredients, we'll just make something horrible."

'You can protest all you want. But only until bedtime. And not in front of the television. And no, I am not stepping down.'

'O.K., I admit I'm impressed by your handbrake skills but does reverse gear work?'

"They're little notes he keeps leaving me on how to best utilise my housekeeping time."

'Philip was cute this morning. He said money's tight and I should only buy what I need.'

'Four of these have to go.'

Shouting.

Bulk fashion.