Household Renegade Gifts

"There's no way God ever intended man to shove a pillow into a pillowcase!"

LAY ZEE FUK

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

BLACK HOLES, the space path of least resistance.

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

"It's a recipe from the 'Anti-Christ' cookbook."

'The recipe said to simmer uncovered!'

"Now, what? I'm wearing a hair net."

'Have you been using that Hairy Bikers cookbook again'

'Did you follow a recipe book for this dish?'

"That last customer thinks I should fire you."

'I know I promised to love, honour and cherish you but I don't remember saying I'd cook for you.'

"If it says to add water, and I'm the one who adds it, I'm cooking."

"Where do you keep the non-educational stuff?"

Complaints (just kidding).

'Say, Doc, I'll need more of that steroid stuff for old King. He's still kind of peaked. Must need some heavy doses."

'Due to concerns about Global Warming...I'm through with cooking.'

'I'm sorry, but I just don't think you're cut out to sell real estate.'

Leonardo Meets the I.R.S.

"I've decided to give up my day to day responsibilities."

'And I got this scar when I got in a crush of plump women rushing to buy Leviathongs at the mall sale...'

'The cows are out and are not expected back.'

It says 'item is returnable if repackaged exactly as sent.'"

"Mr McNab gives primal scream therapy for shoplifters."

"This recipe turned out awful despite me substituting every major ingredient."

'It's not my job to argue with you, sir. So, I'm turning you over to Mrs Yomp.'

"If we can't find all the ingredients, we'll just make something horrible."

'O.K., I admit I'm impressed by your handbrake skills but does reverse gear work?'

'Philip was cute this morning. He said money's tight and I should only buy what I need.'

Julia Childs combats a growing rabbit population

'You can protest all you want. But only until bedtime. And not in front of the television. And no, I am not stepping down.'

"They're little notes he keeps leaving me on how to best utilise my housekeeping time."

'Four of these have to go.'

Shouting.

"The receipe? From shutupandeatit dot com."