Household Guardian Pillows

"Careful. That house has a taser."

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

Garden Gnome fishing all the fish for pond.

'What's wrong with our new shed? Nothing - I'm sat out here guarding it.'

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

Bumble Bee

"I had to skip my workout."

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

Steven had a sneaky suspicion that the local birds were beginning to rely upon here.

The Gardener's Holiday: Don't leave produce behind you to perish.

Biodiversity

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

A drooping plant is watered via an IV tube.

"Relax. They're just crows."

"Beware of God"

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'It works all the time: Light a candle and dinner comes to you...'

'What have I made for dinner? A reservation at the restaurant down the road. . .'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

'I prefer the term 'mobile home'.'

'Eddy! Can you check that recall list on the toy website again to see if this swing is included?'

"How many times have I told you kids to turn off the light when you leave a room?!"

"Hello?"

"Whoever dug up my carrots had better learn to play dead, fast."

I know it's you that's been digging up my garden. I certainly didn't put those rose bushes in.

man juggling career, home and children

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

"Why do humming birds hum? Because they don't know the lyrics."

"Okay, you two! Clean up the house and do the laundry while I take the kids to school!"

"Nice job with the petunias, Skip. They're a perfect complement to the trip wires."