Household Critic Pillows

“At what point does it stop being just moths, and start being Pestilence?”

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Your mom's not protesting sex and violence on TV...she's taking a stand against those early Christmas ads..."

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'Hey, Frenchie - you call this paupiettes de beouf aux legumes?'

The economy doctor

'You followed the recipie but it's missing the secret ingredient: Mom.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'You always say you'll do things tomorrow. . . but you never do.'

'Henri! We found your sweatband!'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'It's not gifts I want, but someone who listens.'

How men shop for towels.

This Semester's Report Card

Dog tallying his score against the mailman.

"That's his idea of multi-tasking."

'Carrot cake!.. What's next?.. Broccoli cake?'

'I DO NOT pamper the dog - Now get out of his chair!'

Snowman in the Freezer.

'Oh no, it's that 'come hither and do the dishes' look.'

"I should have known he has absolutely no morals - I've seen how he loads a dishwasher."

'I've done the washing up - Do we have any glue?'

'Hey, I enjoyed that meal. Did you get the caterers in, or something?'

'So, you were unbunging the sink when your husband said...'

'I don't know how I got rid of mildew before Henry got me the flamethrower.'

'One thing about your salads, I learn a lot about insects. You forgot to wash the lettuce again!'