House Contractor Gifts

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

Painting by the numbers for adults

'Still having a hard time finding day care?'

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"Yes, I know they fit, it's just not what I pictured for a three car garage!"

Tool Box

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'I found the termites!'

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

"I think I perferred the plain magnolia"

God's Subcontractors

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Crane operator Jimmy Morrison liked to break in new guys by giving them what he called a 'sky wedgie.'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Too bright."

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

Unable to afford scaffolding, Dave ties plungers on his feet to get up a wall.

We're putting on a subtraction.

Home De-Po. Things you need for your project. Things you didn't know you needed until you were halfway through your project.

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

Texturing the Walls

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

'Frankly, I prefer the monkey's plans.'

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

Once again overbudget and past dealine, the predatory boa constractor adroitly squeezes the life from its victim's wallet.

'You had to put a skylight in didn't you?'