House Contractor Pillows

"That? Oh, that's the contractor insult tax. We add that to the invoice when a customer treats us as if we're somehow constantly contriving to rip them off."

Painting by the numbers for adults

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

'Still having a hard time finding day care?'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

"Yes, I know they fit, it's just not what I pictured for a three car garage!"

Tool Box

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'I found the termites!'

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

"I think I perferred the plain magnolia"

God's Subcontractors

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Too bright."

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

Unable to afford scaffolding, Dave ties plungers on his feet to get up a wall.

Man finishing painting through flap in door.

Texturing the Walls

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'Can you tell me how my new kitchen is coming along?'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

'Frankly, I prefer the monkey's plans.'

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

Once again overbudget and past dealine, the predatory boa constractor adroitly squeezes the life from its victim's wallet.

"The white flag means he gives up and will finally hire a professional to finish the renovation."

'I don't care if it's a little storage room for King Tut, you still need a building permit and contractor's license.'