Contractor Pillows

"Worst-case scenario? The renovation goes three years and two million dollars over budget, one of you bludgeons me to death with my own hammer, and you both get the electric chair."

"My contractor told me Rome would only take a day."

Autumn Leaves

"How much we talking for a deck?"

"All I know is it's not up to code."

The Contract & The Change Orders.

'Well, they were the low bidders.'

"Sign here to indicate you have no idea what you've signed for."

'What you mean the specs are being changed again?!?'

'David discards his measuring tape for the faster 'eyeballing' method of measuring.'

Clear construction agreements are important.

'It's the competitive tendering process.'

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'Let me just check the code book.'

"Maybe it would be easier if I just put a stake where it IS safe to dig!"

'What do you mean we can't finish on time? Do you want history to say that Rome wasn't built in a day?'

Man covered in nails returning his nail gun to the store.

Translating Contractor to English

'Risky? Good lord no! We're going to make a fortune!'

Private Contractor's Target Fee as charity thermometer

'Whoa! Now they want angels and stuff... On the CEILING? None of this was in our original contract!'

'OK, what's the first thing we need to capture in our Job Safety Analysis?' 'Don't tick off TINY!'

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'I do not change the building codes every week. I do it every other week.'

'Love your renovations.'

Contractor Ants

"We'll take it."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

Missing Contractor

'I don't think that blob was an unusual roof design, but a coffee stain.'

'Bill, in the country it's a CELLAR not a BASEMENT! I won't come down 'til you use the proper term.'

"No, we're looking for a roofer, not a woofer."

'Were the building contractors for the Leaning Tower of Pisa sued?'

'I know that it's the Fourth of July, but I still don't think an air conditioner is supposed to do this.'

Cost cutting construction ideas that failed: using rhubarb instead of rebar in concrete.