Contracting Pillows

'Don't worry, the first 30 years of contracting are the hardest.'

'As I always say, 'If at first you don't get a passing building inspection report, get mad and tear it up.''

Man to new female employ "...As for sexism, that's not something you'll have to worry your pretty little head about"

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

'Looks like a contractor coming in expecting to get a big loan.'

"Usually, I give a free estimate, but for lawyers, I charge a consultation fee."

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

Painting by the numbers for adults

'These elves sure are helpful around the house.'

'Still having a hard time finding day care?'

Why it's bad when home owners change their minds about the bathroom's location late in a building project.

Tool Box

'How many studio apartment construction projects did you say you'd worked on before?'

"Yes, I know they fit, it's just not what I pictured for a three car garage!"

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

God's Subcontractors

"I think I perferred the plain magnolia"

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

"We structured the deal so it won't make any sense to you."

'I don't care what the blueprints say, I'm certain HE strongly suggested a roof.'

"We-your agents, successors, licensees, and assigns--would like to share a few thoughts with you."

'To close the deal, I had to make some minor concessions.'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Fuel bill gone through the roof

The new contract didn't leave him much room to maneuver his hoverdesk.

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

"Okay, I'll renew your contract and raise you five sick days."

Unable to afford scaffolding, Dave ties plungers on his feet to get up a wall.