Home Contractor Pillows

"The sellers had a lot of kids, so they got tired of running out of hot water. So they upgraded."

Painting by the numbers for adults

Painting the Ceiling

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Too bright."

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

'And when you're done here honey, I have a nice periwinkle picked out for the foyer!'

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

'Frankly, I prefer the monkey's plans.'

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

Fixing the TV.

'Ever thought of having the place re-carpeted?'

Brick Salesman

'Dad, this is something I knocked up in the shed.'

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

'How are you doing on your side?'

"Hang on- I'm receiving a textured message."

"It says it can be assembled by a 5 year old child - pop out and find me one..."

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

How to Build a Bungalow

Cut out and keep your own D.I.Y expert.

"We'd like you to think of it not as a 'brick', but rather as an essential component of a potential self-build project."

"Here's another can. Try not to step in this one."

'This fish looked bored so we installed a rec room below their tank.'

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

"I told you you'd made that cat flap too big."

"There's nothing like new carpeting to freshen up a place, I say."