Home Contractor Pillows

"The sellers had a lot of kids, so they got tired of running out of hot water. So they upgraded."

Painting by the numbers for adults

Painting the Ceiling

"This the first time you guys ever installed an above-ground pool?"

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

"Too bright."

"Everything you say (or don't say) matters. Choose your words and intentions carefully."

'And when you're done here honey, I have a nice periwinkle picked out for the foyer!'

We're putting on a subtraction.

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

'Frankly, I prefer the monkey's plans.'

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'Ever thought of having the place re-carpeted?'

Brick Salesman

Fixing the TV.

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

Lumber Yard. Luxury Homes! Some Assembly Required.

Over 50 shades of grey available.

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

'Dad, this is something I knocked up in the shed.'

New! Paint Bombs: 'Light the wick, and you have paint that's extremely easy to apply!'

'How are you doing on your side?'

"Hang on- I'm receiving a textured message."

How to Build a Bungalow

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

"It says it can be assembled by a 5 year old child - pop out and find me one..."

'My dog is terrified of strangers. would you be a dear and wear this outfit while you're working here?'

Cut out and keep your own D.I.Y expert.

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

"I told you you'd made that cat flap too big."

"There's nothing like new carpeting to freshen up a place, I say."

'This fish looked bored so we installed a rec room below their tank.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"