House Chore Humorist Pillows

"I'm sorry I used three squirts of washing up liquid instead of two."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

Yard Sale

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'The owner plays in the NBA.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'What makes you think the basement leaks?'

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"I hardly think you can call waiting for updates to install doing nothing!!"

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'