Domestic Chore Humorist Pillows

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

Death and the Maiden.

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"But I use all of them!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Carpet Cows

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'