Domestic Chore Humorist Pillows

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

Death and the Maiden.

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

Yard Sale

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"But I use all of them!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Carpet Cows

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."