Hotelier Pillows

"If there's anything we can do to make your stay more pleasant, just rant about it all over the Internet."

'And there's extra blankets if you need them.'

"I hope you have a pleasant, relaxing stay with us."

'Doreen's got a marvellous idea for attracting the tourists'.

'There's another business that's downsizing.'

Due to his philanthropic work hotel magnate Philip Hobblesworth earned the swipe card to the city award.

'Should we open a casino in our hotel?'... 'It'll be a gamble.'

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"... No, we're not a five star hotel. That's the name of the place... The five star hotel."

"Did you make an appointment?"

'You know the rules, Mr Perkins - no visitors after ten o'clock!'

'We earn extra money by renting out your office at night.'

"The food here is excellent- what time is breakfast?"

Chef looking up confused, Waiter behind him with pancake on his head.

'You've got your favorite room...right across from the ice machine.'

'No, I'm afraid we're dull. But we do have two vacancies in the Kitchen.'

Carpet

"This is a bend and breakfast. You sleep on a cafeteria table."

'Looks like he's going to get your continental breakfast.'

The suite hereafter.

'I expect you hear the 'fly-tipping' gag a lot, do you?'

'Instead of a mint, could you put $400,000 in cash on our pillow?'

"Give you a wakeup call for New Year's Eve? Ok, but you have to give me one, too."

'Pool closed 3pm to 6pm. That's when we wash our sheets.'

"... Oh, no. That's up there because we've had five celebrities stay here."

"I don't understand, it got 5 stars on the travel website."

No Flyers

"I apologise for the delay gentlemen. Bear with me!"

"I'm afraid the hotel didn't pick up the sponsorship deal so you have to stay in the stables after all."

Reaper Hotel Check-out

'Any nightlife around here?' - 'Sorry, she's gone on holiday.'

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

"After 30 years on the police force, Beth and I decided to open this B&B. You want to keep your hands where I can see them and empty your pockets?"

Extremes meet - A very tall guest is shown to a short bed.

"For heaven's sakes, pull up the red carpet!"