Hotel Humor Pillows

"Will you be needing any additional room keys, or are you going to stay in all evening and watch porn?"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'He's not a pet. He's an endangered species.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Swiss army hospital...'scalpel...'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

'I know my instruments are sterilized every day but I have no idea who does it.'

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

Jelly I.V.

The world's worst restaurant. Now under new bad management.

'What's for desert?'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

'Slap me and I'll see you in court.'

'Hold it RIGHT there, buster! Nobody leaves the floor before signing out first!'

"When they said they were bringing in students I thought they meant MEDICAL students."

"Your bedside health care book ... thanks for not reading it."

"I'm afraid the diagnosis isn't good."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

'You need a heart transplant, maybe two.'

"While you're at it, could you give him some pizzazz?"

"It's a very senior moment—he's dead."

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

'I think this fishing injury is more serious than you're letting on!'

'She's seen a man wandering round in his underpants!'

Once entangled, clashing male doctors usually die a slow death by starvation.