Hot Pot Hero Pillows

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

Dear Santa, please can I have a powerful herbicide for Christmas. Best wishes, Adam.

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

"Maureen Alsop is leaving her magnolia, and her delphinium and her cats with us this weekend."

Best Before 5th Pint.

"Did I show you my new climbing hydrangea plants, Mr. Fessler?... Mr. Fessler?"

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Ask not for whom happy hour ends. It ends for thee.

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"He took eight shots on the 19th hole!"

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

The Garden

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Now I am become life, creator of worlds."

'The way I see it, drinking is its own reward.'

'I'll just put them here until the danger of frost passes - probably next April'

"Before invasive species, the only things I could grow were weeds and mildew."

A drooping plant is watered via an IV tube.

-A garden uses a lot of water. -Most of it perspiration.

'They're not beer stains. This is actually a 'Rorschach test' patterned shirt.'

"Hey! Hey! I could gopher another lemon drop over here, please and thank you."

"I'm off, I only popped in for a swift three units."

"What about the five that fell through?"

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Businessman at a bar mad to look like desk. Bartender says: 'The usual, Mr. B?'

Tree Identification Field Guide...

A bar selling 'crafty' beer is more popular than a bar selling 'craft' beer.

"It's a full moon somewhere."

Join me in a Caiprinha!

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"Where do you see yourself getting drunk in five years?"

"My name is Leonard, and I'll be your auto mechanic for today."

'I drank 10 pints of rum.'