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Mike's Bed and Breakfast

"You've got to give the people what they want, Joan."

'I sent out for everything.'

"Any idea how long your family might be visiting?"

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

A holiday at home

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"1972: Kim and Doug invited us to their key party... Sounds groovy! 2017: We just got an evite from Kim and Doug to join them on an ayahuasca retreat in Peru... Tommy starts hockey and my father is about to die—no way."

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"And tonight we’re offering 5-1 odds on a kitchen strike."

"The rules don't say anything about Airbnb-ing your property to help pay off the mortgage."

Mattress sale

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

"Here’s your room key and mini-bar."

"Good evening. Can I start you off with a customer satisfaction survey?"

'Good evening. I am your manager and these are Gaston, our chef, Raoul, your wine steward, Andre, your waiter and wilbur, your busboy.'

"In case of drop in cabin pressure, wear oxygen mask before taking Selfie."

It's a beautiful day. Take your computer and invent the next crippling internet virus outside.

"I see what I want to eat. Where do I click 'add to cart'?"

'Just pass them round - don't try to sell them!'

"If you're willing to wait, the soup is always better on the second day."

'No, I'm afraid we're dull. But we do have two vacancies in the Kitchen.'

"Got to go, dear. The Doctor's treating me."

"We give a lot of our regular diners pet names, his is 'miserable tightwad.'"

"When do your in-laws leave?"

"I don't think hot chocolate sauce on the pillows is such a good idea!"

'I think the party at table no. 2 wants his check.'

"Hang on hon. A table with a more expensive tab needs me."

DIY Bed&Breakfast

"Excuse me, but will you be long?"