Hospital Tales Observer T-Shirts

"Well if they do happen to pull through, tell them the dinner is on the house."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'Long shift?'

Being Serenading in Casualty

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

'Whatever it is, you've got it bad and that ain't good.'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

"According to the chart you've either stabilised or flatlined."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

"Well, I'll be - he cut and ran."

"I'm writing to mother to let her know how you're doing.Is deathbed one word or two?"

Elderly lady about elderly man: 'We met in ICU. We had a rheumatic encounter.'

'Now watch carefully. You can learn from my mistakes.'

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

"The small neat scar was from the surgery. The long jagged scar is where I sneezed."

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

"It's not for soaking your feet. . . it's a bed pan."

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

'Intensive and or expensive care?'

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

'Lunch!'

'That IS her care pathway.'

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

"Don't worry it's only natural to be a little nervous before a big operation."

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'I'm going to administer the anaesthetic.' - 'Okay.' - 'You might feel a little prick in your hand...' - '...as the bishop said to the-' - 'Men are less irritating under anaesthetic.' - 'Zzz...'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'