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'Remind me, again, what we're doing here?'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

Being Serenading in Casualty

'I thought my appointment was for a TB screening.'

"I told you, Doctor! There's nothing in here!"

"I came here to be treated - not flattered!"

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'Don't get any ideas, mister -- I recognize that look in your eye!'

"Do you have someone to drive you home after your surgery? My car's in the shop and I could really use a ride."

"Doctor, I'm fairly certain we've been feeding the wrong end for a week."

"Your wife says she's experiencing nausea. Could you leave the room?"

"Could I get a second opinion?"

'Death doesn't frighten me, but the night nurse does...'

'Doctor, how may colon polyps HAVE you removed?'

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

"Mr Potts, could you step behind the curtain and get undressed please."

"I'm afraid your husband didn't make it, but we did manage to save his leg."

"Quite unexpected......he just slipped into 'Happy Baby' and we never got him back."

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

'No, your wife wasn't wearing clean underwear. She wasn't wearing any underwear at all.'

"Oh doctor, my love for your burns greater than Mr Williamson's urinary tract infection."

'The test results are in and I just lost a $300 bet with the coroner.'

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

Nurse to other about patient: 'We're all pulling for a speedy recovery.'