Hospital Gag Collector Pillows

"Don't worry. I'm doing someone's liver resection tomorrow and I'll grab one of their kidneys."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Anaesthetic ok?' - 'Yes, ten double scotches from the pub up the road.'

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

Comedy School: 'Please knocky nicky nooo!'

'Don't you love the clean, fresh smell of the morning air?'

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

"There were some squiggly bits left over after the operation, so we gave you a doggie bag."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

The magic of April Fools' morning.

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

"I'm in for observation."

Wards / Mortuary

'Your left ventricle doesn't know what your right ventricle is doing.'

"You must see someone about your problem."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

'That's why patients shouldn't be told certain things.'

"It's a straightforward operation, but there can be complications such as; growing wings and wearing a halo."

"Live life with enthusiasm. Be attentive and eager to please! Sleep only at night! ...and never scratch the furniture!"

'This milk smells funny.'

'I'm going to exaggerate the seriousness of your illness...It'll make you feel better.'

"Being God just doesn't pay as much as you'd think it would."

'You're really not in control of yourself!'

Armadillo playing accordion.

"You can't check my pulse while I'm checking your pulse!"

"Oh, those aren't my diplomas – they're my medical malpractice attorney's."

The Emporer's Clothes Boutique

Hospital. Does your foot fall asleep in that position? On the contrary, it was up all night.

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."