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Professor Van Helsing's long and successful career as a vampire hunter, came to a sudden end due to woodworm.

'Don't you love fast food'

'I'm sorry to wake you in the middle of the day, but we've been attacked by vampire hunters... stupid ones.'

'Who ordered the braaains?'

'Man, can't find the keys again! Now do you think these things would come with a light? No, that would make too much sense!'

"Ugh. . . Where is the light switch?"

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

Life is for the birds.

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

Lesser known greek gods,

Christmas in the Fish Bowl

True confessions.

"I know we just met, but all I got is a twenty-four-hour pass!"

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

'What's the big deal about acid rain? Can't we just make alkaline rain to counteract it?'

'Well,he certainly has his father's nose!'

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"Move ten paces, turn, then fire. Ready?" "Dibs on the hat."

Same Day Delivery: "I wish!"

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

Romeo & Juliet & Ron

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."