Honest Humorist Gifts

"I've never had a day's illness in my life. I always make it last a week."

"I'm just as ambivalent about her as the day we met, fifty years ago."

Ethics exam cheater.

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

The Last upper: Novus Ordo Style

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

The Assumption of Mary

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'