Honest Humorist Gifts

"I've never had a day's illness in my life. I always make it last a week."

"I'm just as ambivalent about her as the day we met, fifty years ago."

Ethics exam cheater.

"You're going to hate yourself."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Pink isn't EITHER the new black!'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'You certainly lived a remarkable life. Any chance you'll get over yourself?'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Mary Margaret, the best bar nun.

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Priest's x-ray showing his crucifix.

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"You know, Father, they say the Old Testament is the new New Testament."

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'