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Interior decorating for prison.

"I'm your court-appointed attorney, but I'm really an interior decorator."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"I didn't spark joy."

"Make yourself comfortable on my new decorative throw rocks."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

Cat statues on entrance gate

"You're welcome."

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

Four Common Lampshade Mistakes and How To Avoid Them.

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"Except for that wall socket, the whole damn thing is a trompe-l'oeil."

'You do realise that's pot pourii?'

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'Welcome to the house warming! The map points out what is furniture and what is sculpture.'

"Hedge-fund managers have to have something over their sofas, too."

“I’m stayin’ home — I want the world to know — I pro-bab-ly won’t go!”

"Pretty cushy, am I right?"

Posh Easter Egg

'Ooh, hey...real hardwood floors!'

"We want it to look lived in, but not necessarily by us."

'Magnolia, Michaelangelo, the ceiling was meant to be magnolia!'

"Okay, lady, your new carpet is installed...you can let your dog back in now."

Realtors: 'We make house calls'.

"You like it? It’s from the MoMA Store!"

Pea green

"Hey, take me home with you! Position me at a slight angle next to the elegant glass soap dispenser in the guest bathroom. It'll look great, you'll see!"

"Dave, we need to talk about office props and work productivity."

Estate Agent - This house that's 'just what we are looking for' is ours