Home Sitter Humorist Pillows

'Now you behave yourself and don't throw and infestation while we're gone.'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

Carpet Cows

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'Looks like you're underwater on your mortgage.'