Home Care Humorist Pillows

"Oh, and remember to roll up the rug the other way when you're done so it'll lie flat again."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The first one's just a warning."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

Mother puts extra long dummy in babies mouth.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"This will be a tricky operation."

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."