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'I had it for lunch.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Anything but milk and cookies."

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

"Room for dessert, folks?"

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"