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The Local Floorist

'Wait a minute, this isn't a wide screen digital television....it's a bloody fish tank!'

An astronaut attempting to fix falling down wallpaper

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"Make yourself comfortable on my new decorative throw rocks."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

"You're welcome."

Cat statues on entrance gate

"I just love how wet you've made things in here."

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

I'm beginning to regret buying that Roomba.

Do-It-Yourself. Do-it-yourself-With-Good-Friends-and-Pizza-and-A-Few-Beers.

"Pillows for sleeping on are downstairs. These are all for screaming into."

'You do realise that's pot pourii?'

Woman has 3 towels in her restroom: 'Mine', 'Mine' and 'Mine'.

Board Game Hunter

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'Welcome to the house warming! The map points out what is furniture and what is sculpture.'

"Hedge-fund managers have to have something over their sofas, too."

"Pretty cushy, am I right?"

"We're going to build in Rhinebeck, once Steven finds the right brick."

Posh Easter Egg

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Ooh, hey...real hardwood floors!'

"This condo includes free access to fitness facilities...7 flights of stairs."

"We want it to look lived in, but not necessarily by us."

'Magnolia, Michaelangelo, the ceiling was meant to be magnolia!'

"Okay, I fixed the leaking roof, and I moved the couch over to the far wall, but I'm sorry, I don't unblock toilets!"