Holiday Debater Gifts

'For an opposing view to last night's editorial on the Spirit of Christmas, here's that well-known industrialist, Ebeneezer Scrooge...'

'Are you nuts? -- Santa's secret identity is MY dad!'

"You owe me five bucks."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

"Let me get this, but keep in mind that you'll pay for it in other, more subtle ways later on."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

The Shakespeares Dine Out.

Dollar Sign Christmas Tree.

'Nobody goes there anymore.' 'Because it's too crowded.'

'Christmas dinner's almost ready dear.'

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

"I'll have the chicken or the eggs benedict—whichever of them comes first."

'And just how much is silver going for a troy ounce these days?'

"You ordered mammoth again?"

'I'll be late for dinner - a shelf fell on me.'

Ineffective Turkey Disguises

"The social conservative in me tells me to pay for dinner, but the fiscal conservative thinks we should split it."

'I hate them too. Listen, would you like to go out sometime? Dinner maybe? We could complain about the service.'

'I wouldn't say you're boring, Chuck, but you're the only person I know who records The Weather Channel.'

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'Will you stop going BAAAAA every time I eat a piece of lamb!'

'...Then we thought, stuff Christmas, the world is full of naughty brats anyway.'

"When you say 'the same', do you mean worse or better?"

Mud Slinging

"You know, if lima beans, cauliflower and broccoli tasted like candy and ice cream, we wouldn't have to go through this every night!"

"Sales of our festive toilet cleaner have gone through the floor...it makes you worry that people have forgotten what the festive season is ALL ABOUT!"

Free Chimney Cleaning.

Santa picks out a suitable light bulb for Rudolph's nose.

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

'Santa's blotto.'

Squirrel decorates its tail as a christmas tree

Secular Holy Days

"Because of the war can we split this?"