Hog Caller Gifts

Wife to husband about pigs in kitchen: 'Sometimes I wish you weren't the county's champion hog caller.'

Could you send a plumber out? I think the washers have gone!

'Anything good on?' TV replies 'No.'

"Will you be ordering A La Carte, or heading straight over to the trough?"

"Hi..just ringing to see if you got my e-mail?"

'This call may be monitored and added to our endless metadata for no apparent reason.'

"I'm afraid the only thing we have in your line of work at the moment is a bingo caller in Milton Keynes."

'Thank you for waiting. Please continue to hold and your call will bee answered as soon as we can.'

"The school district is great and I love the layout - I'm just not sure the mud is gooey enough."

Hogwarts Academy. What magic? This is a veterinary school specializing in swine skin conditions.

'It's for you.'

Prank Cattle Calls. (mmph)

"Thanks for calling the celebration help desk. For assistance with high fives, press one now. For fist bumps, press two, for chest bumps, press three..."

"My solicitor tells me I have grounds for a divorce. You're a control freak."

"Oddly enough, I could never work in a cubicle."

"I hate having my calls monitored."

"He has a great voice for giving sermons but even greater for calling Bingo ... "

"Mom! You and dad won't believe this, but right now I'm watching two flies making out on top of a can of soda!!" Dan was really lonely.

You always call. Telemarketer's Mom.

If a tree fell into the marsh and there was nobody around to hear it and it landed on a mute swan, would it make a sound?

Man in cell phone shop - 'Do you have a phone that just phones?'

'For Diahrrea in hogs? Well, first of all, I'd feed bland garbage!'

'Have your people Soo-Wee my people.'

"If that's humankind, I'm not here!"

'Are these your children?! They're absolutely gorgeous!'

Beware Of The Hog...

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! The other day, my grandpa tried driving to the corner store but got lost and ended up at the beach, six states away. How do I get him to realize it's time to stop driving without hurting his feelings? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time in 1863 when Grandpappy Cohen accidentally led a caravan of zoo-bound pelicans onto a field at Gettysburg. One particularly panicky pelican escaped and distracted General Lee, and the rest is history. Um ..

'You don't me- I'm not on Twitter or Facebook but I would like to be your friend,'

"I installed Skype, so it'll be just like you never went away to college."

A man watching television sees that the Apathy channel has been canceled due to a lack of interest.

"It's a sign of the times - I get death threats just calling the numbers."

'All in favor, touch your nose and lift your left eyebrow.'

'Well, if I got the wrong number how come you answered the phone?'

". . . And now for a golden oldie! A blast from the past!"

"Hi. Steve Smith here. Just calling to say hello and touch base. Well, bye. Hi. Steve Smith here. Just calling to say hello and touch base. Well, bye. Hi..."