Hocus Pocus Fanatic Pillows

"I had to change the recipe. The guy I'm dating is eye of newt intolerant."

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Oh, yes - BEAUTIFUL singer he was - but could he snap his fingers. . ?"

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

Prehistoric Peeps: Even the 'Derby' had its primeval counterpart.

Nervous World Markets.

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

"Really! A firecracker! Test his nerves! Where do you come up with these stupid ideas?"

"I'm taking a gap year and then getting my Master's in Fetching and Staying."

Punishment for the kicker.

Visual Gag: Dracula reading a Fang Shui book. The Vampires version of 'Feng' Shui

'Honey! I'm cave!' (a caveman arrives home)

Political Debate, 'I'd like a word with the debate chairman.'

"Thar be an Hallowe'easter a blowin'."

"We interrupt C.B.S.'s evening news with a special bulletin from N.B.C.!"

Teacher of the Year: "Accepting for Susan Curtis is her clinical psychologist."

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

"He passed out from apoplectic rage directed at Trump's voter fraud conspiracies."

"So you're an investor who dabbles in art? I happen to be an artist who dabbles in money."

"President Gorbachev had his hands full again today."

"I'm sorry. How did I know what he would do to your cat if I let him play with it?"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

'This is just a routine, sir - step out of the car and do the hokey-pokey.'

The Panic Forecast

"I've called this media conference to say...We have nothing to say!"

"Something pickled this way comes!"

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"

'It's the only rock you'll ever need'