Hocus Pocus Fanatic Pillows

"I had to change the recipe. The guy I'm dating is eye of newt intolerant."

Caveman's dog with head outside car window.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Oh, yes - BEAUTIFUL singer he was - but could he snap his fingers. . ?"

Dept. of History. This term paper doens't have any footnotes at all! I'm suffering from citer's block!

Prehistoric Peeps: Even the 'Derby' had its primeval counterpart.

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"My pawprints? Nah, I wore gloves. They matched my noseprints on the window."

Nervous World Markets.

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

"Really! A firecracker! Test his nerves! Where do you come up with these stupid ideas?"

"I'm taking a gap year and then getting my Master's in Fetching and Staying."

Punishment for the kicker.

Visual Gag: Dracula reading a Fang Shui book. The Vampires version of 'Feng' Shui

"You should've seen the triceratops that got away. It had to be this...um...this...uh...well, it was huge."

'Honey! I'm cave!' (a caveman arrives home)

Political Debate, 'I'd like a word with the debate chairman.'

Teacher of the Year: "Accepting for Susan Curtis is her clinical psychologist."

"We interrupt C.B.S.'s evening news with a special bulletin from N.B.C.!"

"Thar be an Hallowe'easter a blowin'."

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

"I'm sorry. How did I know what he would do to your cat if I let him play with it?"

"He passed out from apoplectic rage directed at Trump's voter fraud conspiracies."

"So you're an investor who dabbles in art? I happen to be an artist who dabbles in money."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

"President Gorbachev had his hands full again today."

'This is just a routine, sir - step out of the car and do the hokey-pokey.'

The Panic Forecast

"It seems I'm having some credibility issues."

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"

"Something pickled this way comes!"

Politely queuing for the last Focaccia.