Hilarious Health Hurdles Gifts

"I failed the physical"

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"Sometimes it helps to turn a question around. Why not you?"

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

"Well, put it this way - A semi-colon is better than a full stop."

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

"Triple espresso." "Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine." "I am not your Uncle Mort. I am someone else altogether." "Oh yeah? Who are you?" "I am... Drinkum... Coffeeman... Worthington-Smythe... of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes." "You may have heard of us... We're a family of... um... troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix." "So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that?" "Google

'I don't care what anyone says! This is really hard work!'

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

Doctor to man: 'Don't kid yourself. You don't have athlete's foot - more like couch potato's corns.'

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"You have third-degree burns over most of your body. At least your chin looks OK ??" aside from that big hairy mole."

"You know, the hardest thing is getting them to admit they don't have a problem!"

Neil Diamond retires from touring after being diagnosed with Parkinson's.

Podiatry. If the frostbite was any worse we'd have to amputate. You just barely stayed out of the "toe away" zone!

Everything's a joke to you Fuscos! Even water retention! ??

'Well, Mrs. Gilner, comparing the numbers, everything looks great. Your cholesterol is right in line, blood pressure good... you're definitely as healthy as a horse.'

'Do red sweaters have that carcinogenic red dye #2 in them?'

"You lot aren't fooling anyone, y'know." King Charles cancer treatment

"Every time I go on a diet, he brings up the land of milk and honey."

Shame on You.

"Did you injure your neck?"

Injured heart.

Chemotherapy.

"Mr Miller has bowel trouble."

Strict Diet,

All this binge eating and rinking I'm doing is making me really fat so I'll need a full check-up in July 2006 - GPs must provide advance bookings.

'This getting fit is killing me.'

"Not tonight, dear. I have a head injury."