Humorist On A Health Quest Gifts

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Formally foods that were good for you.

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

Actually, I hate the taste of fish, but the oil's just so darn good for you.

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"Thank God!"

Middle Age Spread.

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

' ... and a side order of statins.'