Humorist In Health Gifts

'And who was this 'Friend' who told you about the magic sausage roll diet?'

'We'll have to be more aggressive with your diet. I'd like to try something I call 'The Carbivore''.

'I'm up to 220 pounds and my feet hurt.' 'No gain, no pain!'

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The first one's just a warning."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

Cardiac Recovery.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

Providing Healthcare For All

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."