Humorist On A Health Quest Prints

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Eat lots of carrots."

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

"I know you haven't been flossing. Your electronic toothbrush has been tweeting me."

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

Middle Age Spread.

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"Thank God!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

'Good Cholesterol Vs. Bad Cholesterol'

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

' ... and a side order of statins.'

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.