Health Joke Collector Gifts

'Frankly, the only way to ease your back-pain would be for your rider to go on a diet...'

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

Podiatry. If the frostbite was any worse we'd have to amputate. You just barely stayed out of the "toe away" zone!

"Does milk help with diarrhea?"

Lactose Intolerant

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"I'm Dr. Fenton. I'll be performing your microsurgery today."

"It's a straightforward operation, but there can be complications such as; growing wings and wearing a halo."

'Are you sure sitting on a bean bag chair isn't considered getting a daily requirement of vegetables?'

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

'I'm going to exaggerate the seriousness of your illness...It'll make you feel better.'

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"

"Oh, those aren't my diplomas – they're my medical malpractice attorney's."

Hospital. Does your foot fall asleep in that position? On the contrary, it was up all night.

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

'It hurts when I cackle!'

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

Health food and junk food

Dr. Smith Fear, Nose and Throat. Oh my!! You should be scared to death, Frank!

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)