Health Joke Collector Pillows

'Frankly, the only way to ease your back-pain would be for your rider to go on a diet...'

"Does milk help with diarrhea?"

Lactose Intolerant

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"I'm Dr. Fenton. I'll be performing your microsurgery today."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"It's a straightforward operation, but there can be complications such as; growing wings and wearing a halo."

'Well my lightest ever was 7lbs 4oz. . .'

'Are you sure sitting on a bean bag chair isn't considered getting a daily requirement of vegetables?'

"Oh, those aren't my diplomas – they're my medical malpractice attorney's."

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'I'm going to exaggerate the seriousness of your illness...It'll make you feel better.'

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

'It hurts when I cackle!'

Health food and junk food

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'

'Looks to me as though you have an overactive thyroid!'

"It's probably nothing..."