Herbal Cooking Gifts

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

Soup of the month.

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

Garden.

Too much cilantro

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Yo - I'm way overdone in here!"

I love Cannelloni

"Hmm...I LOVE chocolate chip ice cream...!"

'Thank you so much, but I just followed the directions in the cookbook.'

Holiday Supplies

"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip!'"

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Medicinal plants

"Please don't kill me."

Baloneystini

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

This is Dr. Sadie, what's your question, caller? I just found out my wife got a bonus at work. But instead of buying gifts for my mother and my six brothers, she flew to Maui and sent me a photo of herself eating a seven-course meal. Stop whining. She's given you the best gift a spouse can give ... Something to hold over her head for the rest of your lives. Well ... There is that, I guess.

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

I told you I got us the best table in the house. Pizza.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Marions nous! Tu payes les impôts, j'offre le resto!"

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

Junior Masterchef - "Darren Smith and I'll be cooking chicken nuggets with Mars bars in a CocaCola sauce"

Tzatzikicicle

Witches of Instagram

'I never knew baking was such a violent activity. You have to beat the eggs, whip the cream, and mash the nuts.'

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

The perfect man

"Well, there's your problem right there -- you need to sauté the onions in white wine before adding the ginger."

"Wait a minute- these are just the ten commandments of perfect mashed potatoes."

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."

"I've never seen Tia Carmen so excited about a grand opening."