Healthy Hedonist Pillows

'What do you mean I have to eat more greens? I eat pistachio ice cream every night.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

"All these vitamins and nutrients, plus it makes it own sauce! We should be eating this!"

"My famous chicken soup! The secret ingredient is the rum."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"It turns out crows find a bunch of dead crows more frightening than a man made out of hay."

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'Some of you may have heard that Dr. Weil is giving HIS talk right now in the next auditorium.'

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

'Is it organic?'

'It says, 'If you want more fiber, eat the package.'

"It has come to my attention, Collins, that you are hydrating on company time."

"When I say I'm rich I don't just mean in Omega 3 oils."

'Of course he's an actor. When was the last time you saw a kid enjoy something that was good for him?'

Spring.

"...and lay off the energy drinks..."

"Ambitions... to eat, drink and be merry."

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

Books or Junk Food.

'Don't worry. His diet's only last a day or two.'

"Tell you what, dude, I'm writing you a prescription for a scented candle and some granola."

'If you want your diet to work, you're going to have to take the wheels off your refrigerator.'

Academy.

Popeye Switches to Kale.

'My prescription: digital textbooks.'

"...At what point do hemorrhoids become 'just another hobby?'"

"I was the first one to work completely gluten free."

Women in grocery store contemplates high and low calories.

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

'What you need is some negative growth.'

"You're not allowed to enter the city. Your exhaust emissions are much too high!"