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'You should consult my Doctor. You'll never live to regret it.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

Being Serenading in Casualty

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

"Thank you for making my decision to fire you, that much easier."

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

'These young doctors know nothing, I used to see 500 patients every day...'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'The doctors ruled out a remarkable recovery. You'll get better, they just don't think it'll be all that remarkable.'

Are you sure you're not holding your breath?

"As I suspected, there's nothing wrong with you. But I'd like to keep ordering tests till something turns up."

"Code blue! Code blue! His heart's grown three times it's size!"

'Yes, I suppose I can learn to live with the pain in my foot. After all, I've been living with a pain in the neck for years!'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'You have a parasite, I'm afraid.'

"How do I get Nurse Jenkins to stop saying 'I told you so'?"

"The small neat scar was from the surgery. The long jagged scar is where I sneezed."

'Nurse, that isn't a catheter you've just inserted. It's the other end of my hosepipe!'

'It's not for soaking your feet... it's a bedpan!'

'I'm going to administer the anaesthetic.' - 'Okay.' - 'You might feel a little prick in your hand...' - '...as the bishop said to the-' - 'Men are less irritating under anaesthetic.' - 'Zzz...'

CITY HOSPITAL, 'It's all right, officer -- I'm an outpatient.'

'Well, a quick yank didn't work, either. Let's get you some lower tack bandages.'

'What possessed you to stick a fork into the toaster?' 'It's easy to be wise after the event!'

"He's one tough cookie. I've never seen anyone bounce back from an autopsy before."

Headlines you may have missed. . . .April Fools!

Cricketer battered after facing an over from a fast bowler.

'I hope you find something that's worth complaining to my friends about.'

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

GPs to explore alternative partnership models.

The doctor's not in, he was caught with a magazine in the waiting room less than ten years old and was arrested.

'We couldn't save him, but we found out what made him tick.'