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"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

'I apologize, Mr. Wilson, that scream wasn't very professional of me. . . But that IS one ugly growth on your chest!'

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

Orthopaedist

Quick! 5-second rule!

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

"Bingo! Found it!"

"Hi! My name is Kevin, and I'll be your doctor today."

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

Golf cart in the hospital.

'My speciality is referring patients to the right specialist.'

'Disease is inevitable. My advice is to find an illness you can live with...'

"The 'intervention' got out of hand."

"In hospital I received ten 'get well soon' cards...from the nurses."

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"If it wasn't for my Hippocratic oath, you'd be dead by now."

"Now where was I?"

"Our operators are all busy. You are second in the queue."

'For Valentine's Day!'

"You can have a local anesthetic or imported."

"Can we cut down his tranquilisers please?"

"Take one three times a day after meals."

I don't know what it is, but it's a textbook case of something.

Well, it's a heck of a time to demand a second opinion.

'Botched attempt is correct. But can anyone suggest a more family-friendly way of describing what happened?'

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'