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"Lucky we caught it early. It's easier to treat in the larva stage."

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I apologize, Mr. Wilson, that scream wasn't very professional of me. . . But that IS one ugly growth on your chest!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

Orthopaedist

An allergist sneezing

Lazy Doctor

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

Golf cart in the hospital.

'For Valentine's Day!'

'Yes, I know you're not a vet. But as you're a quack, I thought yo might be able to help.'

"In hospital I received ten 'get well soon' cards...from the nurses."

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

"If it wasn't for my Hippocratic oath, you'd be dead by now."

"Now where was I?"

Hospital Gift Shop

"The 'intervention' got out of hand."

"Can we cut down his tranquilisers please?"

'Please be patient. The Doctor will see you as soon as possible. Thank you.'

'Well, he's had the 3 in 1 now. He's got measles, mumps and rubella!'

"Could I get a second opinion?"

'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

Well at least there's consistency in SOME things.

'Second opinion? Come back tomorrow, I will probably have changed my mind by then...'

'Too many tv dinners I'm afraid.'