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"Lucky we caught it early. It's easier to treat in the larva stage."

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I apologize, Mr. Wilson, that scream wasn't very professional of me. . . But that IS one ugly growth on your chest!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

Orthopaedist

An allergist sneezing

Quick! 5-second rule!

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

Lazy Doctor

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

Golf cart in the hospital.

Hospital Gift Shop

"The 'intervention' got out of hand."

'Yes, I know you're not a vet. But as you're a quack, I thought yo might be able to help.'

"If it wasn't for my Hippocratic oath, you'd be dead by now."

"Now where was I?"

'I had a taste of my own medicine yesterday - Yuck!'

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"In hospital I received ten 'get well soon' cards...from the nurses."

'For Valentine's Day!'

'Please be patient. The Doctor will see you as soon as possible. Thank you.'

'His heartbeat has been like that ever since he had the pig valve installed.'

"Can we cut down his tranquilisers please?"

'Well, he's had the 3 in 1 now. He's got measles, mumps and rubella!'

Well, it's a heck of a time to demand a second opinion.

"Could I get a second opinion?"

"I hope for your sake that my watch stopped!"