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"Take one three times a day after meals."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

'I apologize, Mr. Wilson, that scream wasn't very professional of me. . . But that IS one ugly growth on your chest!'

'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

I don't care what happened on ER. This doctor patient relationship is not going to descend into unbridled passion.

"Doctors, Gilby, Beam and Henson. Ears, nose and throat."

'...Better clear my schedule too.'

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

Orthopaedist

An allergist sneezing

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

"The good news is that your appendectomy op was a complete success"

Reflex Testing -"...and you're sure you can't feel it"

NHS Trust Hospital: Management Team/Medical Staff

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'Doctor, I thought I was the one who was supposed to say Ahh.'

"Nothing to worry about. A nuggetectomy is a very simple procedure."

"I'm having you fitted with a monitoring device that will help reduce blood glucose during meals by automatically signaling the brain to reduce food absorption. It's called a belt."

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

Lazy Doctor

"Sorry Mr Penrose. We forgot to shake your medicine this morning."

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

'Mrs. Tomkins says her prescription has no side effects, so it can't be doing her any good.'

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

Golf cart in the hospital.

General Hospital sign.

"Now where was I?"

'Yes, I know you're not a vet. But as you're a quack, I thought yo might be able to help.'