Health Regimens Pillows

New in fitness: Health club truancy officers.

Man on exercise bike with dog on treadmill

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'I cause sneezes.' 'I cause fever' 'I cause that 'I don't know- I just don't feel too good' feeling.'

"Ack! This stuff's hard to eat!"

"Remember, you're only as sick as you feel."

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

"Well of course it's fast food. I cooked it faster than a speeding bullet."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

Woman stuck doing situps has spider web being built under arm

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

"We tried healthy birthday treats. That lasted about a week."

"You could try watching your diet or getting more exercise – but you'll just be delaying the inevitable."

Health Regime Change: No Fry Zone

'I don't understand why you don't want to take your daily medication.'

'We transformed our lives for the better.'

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

"We are able to extend your life for another two weeks, but you must eat wisely and get plenty of exercise."

"The nurse says I'm morbidly obese...so what are you going to do about it?"

"I thought we agreed no midnight snacks?"

'The health dept. takes a great leap forward.'

Rodney kicked off his new fitness regime by buying a heavier remote control

'Sure I eat three desserts but each trip I put only one dessert on my plate. That way I walk off the calories.'

Man in hospital bed has EKG with up and down sales charts next to it

No Smoking.

"He doesn't know I disable the cars twice a week, so he has to walk the 5 miles to work. That way he gets his steps in."

"It looks like another productive night of sleep and exercise. My smart watch logged seven hours of sleep and over 1,500 steps from sleep walking."

'Do you remember when all we had to worry about was the menu?'

'If you need any advice or guidance feel free to ask me, I've got a qualification!'