Health Professional Gifts

Rising Sea Levels - An Alternative Theory

'Ok...so maybe it's more than just a 'bad habit'...'

"I don't care what it said when you looked up your symptoms on the internet. You arenot Anorexic."

"Running a red light doesn't count. You still need to get more exercise."

"She's the best nit nurse this school has ever seen."

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

'Non-alcohol beer, unsalted potato chips and tofu hot dogs? Why did you accept a party invitation from a cardiologist?'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

'We were going to get rid of the superbug but he's the only one who understands the new IT system.'

'Working class but a terrible social climber; seems to have died from aspiration pneumonia. '

Entrance Exam for the Mildred School of Medicine

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

'The statistics show that even the slightest amount of exposure to health scare statistics can have serious consequences.'

'Cut back on the ginger.'

Just in time for Halloween...

"That's inflation. You may have more pounds now, but you're worth less."

"That would be in Aisle Six, the worried-well section."

The New Normal

'Who do you suppose is this Bill Harzia everyone screams about? Someone who drowned here?'

Health Clinic - Notice: Investing in the Stock Market is Now Considered a Health Risk Factor.

'This just in from the AMA: New studies reveal that life is bad for you.'

'I know modern movies are filled with violence and sex, Dad, but those old movies have people smoking in them.'

"Stop reading this stupid paper."

'I can't see why people complain so much...the figures show that he's at LEAST 13% less dead than he would have been...'

'There's no such thing as 'safe sex'!'

'I'm taking you off three things: breakfast, lunch and dinner!'

'Thank you for not giving up your seat to me. Standing is good for the cardiovascular system, which is why women outlive men.'

"I have some good news and bad news, wonderful news, terrifying news, boring news, stunning news, technically incomprehensible news, news you should sit down to hear, and news you definitely won't take laying down. Which first?"

"I finally stopped smoking. It's great to have clean lungs!"

Who needs Facebook friends when you've got billions of friendly gut bacteria?

A woman on a beach boardwalk looks shocked as a topless man walks past her with a back tattoo that reads "I got hepatitis at Randy's Tattoo Parlor."

"You will live a long and healthy life if you abstain from anything that brings you joy."

WHO Global Pandemic Treaty

Polio - The Comeback Kid

"This just in: A deadly new disease called 'Turkey Leprosy' is threatening to ruin this year's holiday season."