Health Professional Gifts

Rising Sea Levels - An Alternative Theory

'Ok...so maybe it's more than just a 'bad habit'...'

"I don't care what it said when you looked up your symptoms on the internet. You arenot Anorexic."

"Running a red light doesn't count. You still need to get more exercise."

"She's the best nit nurse this school has ever seen."

Good egg, bad egg.

'Non-alcohol beer, unsalted potato chips and tofu hot dogs? Why did you accept a party invitation from a cardiologist?'

'How long has it been shaking like a bowl full of jelly when you laugh?'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

'Working class but a terrible social climber; seems to have died from aspiration pneumonia. '

'We were going to get rid of the superbug but he's the only one who understands the new IT system.'

Entrance Exam for the Mildred School of Medicine

'Cut back on the ginger.'

'The statistics show that even the slightest amount of exposure to health scare statistics can have serious consequences.'

We'll have to reproduce fast to defeat the antibodies! I get it! Divide and conquer!

"That's inflation. You may have more pounds now, but you're worth less."

Just in time for Halloween...

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

'I'm taking you off three things: breakfast, lunch and dinner!'

"Nice try, Mr. Gibbs, but Salmonella is not a player with the N.Y. Yankees."

'Thank you for not giving up your seat to me. Standing is good for the cardiovascular system, which is why women outlive men.'

"I have some good news and bad news, wonderful news, terrifying news, boring news, stunning news, technically incomprehensible news, news you should sit down to hear, and news you definitely won't take laying down. Which first?"

"I finally stopped smoking. It's great to have clean lungs!"

'There's no such thing as 'safe sex'!'

"That would be in Aisle Six, the worried-well section."

Who needs Facebook friends when you've got billions of friendly gut bacteria?

'I know modern movies are filled with violence and sex, Dad, but those old movies have people smoking in them.'

The New Normal

'Who do you suppose is this Bill Harzia everyone screams about? Someone who drowned here?'

Health Clinic - Notice: Investing in the Stock Market is Now Considered a Health Risk Factor.

'This just in from the AMA: New studies reveal that life is bad for you.'

"Stop reading this stupid paper."

'I can't see why people complain so much...the figures show that he's at LEAST 13% less dead than he would have been...'

"That's correct. Neither is wearing a mask and they aren't social distancing."

School League Table Vital Statistics.