Health Guideline Skeptic Gifts

It takes the fun out of it when the food police say it's okay.

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Safety Barriers

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

'Extreme acupuncture.'

"Tarzan hate frivolous lawsuits."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

Toilet roll beauty tips.

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

Forget Your Worries at Velton Corners, Spa.

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

'Well you were warned about the dangers of sedentary lifestyle.'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

"If exercise is so good for you, how come athletes retire at 35?"

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

'Seems like we're all too old, unfit, overweight. . .'

"These diet pills must work. My purse is getting thinner and thinner."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.

"Because when it actually works they just call it medicine."