Health Columnist Pillows

'I haven't read the health columns this morning. Is coffee out or in today?'

Studies show foods work miracles!

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'While these products may not result in weight loss, they will result in credibility loss.'

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"They used to call them G.P.s."

Take a pill so you won't be one.

VACCINATION REFUSAL

'We believe it was at THIS point that the species became extinct.'

"We at MEGAPHARMA are 100% behind the benefits of 'talking therapies' which is why we've developed MEGAZYMOLIN to enhance the experience..."

'Side effects may include loss of appetite, job, home and family.'

"Thank you all for coming to this small enclosed space to discuss a deadly and highly communicable disease."

'Is there a doctor in the house we can trust?'

Hospital: Accident and Emergency and On Purpose and Suffering Nicely.

"And he can make 347,000 home visits in one night!"

The Visitor

'We found the only significant impact diet books had was if we made people eat them!'

'I don't want surgery...can you just touch up the x-rays?'

Health Foods

Miss Lonelyhearts Advice to the Lovelorn

MLB Owners, Players, Fans

'In the absence of any meaningful arguments we'd like to shout a few hackneyed cliches!'

'Yours is an elective surgery, so we're still deciding if we feel like doing it or not.'

Obesity in America.

'I need you to open wide, Peel.' - 'Ahhh.' - 'Not your mouth, fool! Your wallet.' - 'Arghhh!' - 'Wider!' - 'Argh!'

'As far as I'm concerned all this talk of 'privatisation' is just a lot of media hype!'

"Is there a doctor in the house to treat someone without health insurance?"

'Now that's more like it.'

"A low-level person who doesn't mean anything will see you now."

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S

"Side effects include less visits by the grim reaper."