Health And Safety Irony Enthusiast Pillows

"Quit griping! You said you wanted a light to see why the gas stove wasn't working. Well, a match is a light, isn't it?"

"I didn't know they made a 'Sitbit'"

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

"Hey, Zorro! You forgot your mask."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

Man sees danger of death sign. Arrows from sign are locked up.

Stuffed animal head falls on man.

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

Floor Wet When Slippery

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

'I'm sorry to disturb you, but new health and safety rules prohibit me from climbing down your chimney.'

'Mind your head'

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

"What's the Chef's Surprise Sir? Well, he's VERY surprised his kitchen has just survived a visit from the Government Food and Hygiene Inspector!"

'I think the 'Super soft safety knife' may be a H&S step too far!'

Jerry, incoming!

Henry ignored his antihistamine's warning to avoid operating dangerous machinery while using it and loses his right foot to the vacuum cleaner.

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

"I think we better have a leg count."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"These pills are $10 if you're paying for them... and $200 if your company is paying for them."

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

'I'm sorry, but medical science still knows very little about high-deductible insurance.'

'It's health and safety gone mad!'

Warning: Quitting smoking will greatly reduce your chances of getting a piece of the settlement pie.