Health Gifts

"It's my smallpox vaccine scar. . ."

"All these years, and you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said, have you?"

"You should relax less."

"Now that's the kind of positive attitude I'm really going to miss."

'How much longer do I have before I have to change to a healthy lifestyle?'

"And that one's for the relief of anxiety caused by the high cost of medication."

2021

Dermatologist: Rash decisions made here.

"Exercise is the best medicine. Jump."

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

"Your eyes are fine. I'ts just that on some eye charts they type is too small." The nearly blind leading the nearly blind.

Dermatology: Journal of Itchcraft.

'Good memory. Now turn around and let's try it again. I've put the chart on the opposite wall since your last visit.'

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'Ooh, that's better!'

'I hope this is gluten-free!'

"It's for my back. You have two more questions."

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

"We're running a little behind, so I'd like each of you to ask yourself, 'Am I really that sick, or would I just be wasting the doctor' valuable time?'"

Misinformation Pandemic

"You may believe you've been overcharged, but, remember, you're overmedicated."

'Those work well. Now you hardly look anything like Superman.'

"The doctor said your cholesterol is a little high, but everything else looks normal."

"You're showing early signs of diabetic retinopathy. Lay off the eye candy."

"Medicine is giving the eat-drink-and-be-merry model another look."

'My diabetic research shows that test subjects are 98% more likely to take their diabetic pills if the pills are covered in chocolate.'

I've already got a diagnosis from homedoc.com, but I thought I'd see you for a second opinion!

'Does it hurt when I do this?'

"It wasn't really insulin. You don't have diabetes yet. It was just a warning shot."

Just Do It. Just Did It.

'All we have to do is place them on the waiting room chairs!'

"The active ingredient is marketing."

Bacteria Special Offer

'Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.'

"Laughter is the best medicine, but your insurance only covers chuckles, snickers and giggles."