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Next week's headlines

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

"Mom, I'm bored. Do you know something I can get hysterical and panicky about?"

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

Fear of news.

'Yes, they were using it to clean up the graffiti!'

Newspaper suicide.

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

'How fast can you hype?'

The Expert

Cameron uncomfortable hanging out with his inquisitor.

News for Sale

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

"We live in interesting times. Present company exempted, of course."

Big Newspaper Delivery

"And remember, people, it's better to light a scandal than to curse the darkness!"

"Things happen so fast. What's news when class starts is history when it ends."

News Headline Reads - 'Man Bites Feral Media'.

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

'You fancy yourself as a press baron, don't you?'

'You were convicted by the jury, but at least you were acquitted by the media.'

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

"Here's what went wrong today."

"Now here's my co-anchor, Nancy, with a conflicting account of that very same story."

'Your job, Richards, is to make sure that my name never appears in a headline alongside the word 'siphoned.''

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

'We suspect death by Sunday supplement.'

Magazine stand in middle of the desert.

'According to the latest reports, there were no earlier reports.'

"Do I have to answer that? I wanted to sell all this stuff to the tabloids!"

'Read ALL about IT! In other less TRASHIER Newspapers!'

"In financial news, stocks were down, bonds were up. In world news, democracies were down, dictatorships were up."

Who's Dead

Daily News Headline Writing Dept. Here's a story about a Colorado appliance salesperson involved in an auto mishap … "Denver blender vendor in fender bender!"