Happy Distractor Pillows

"I can't find the lottery ticket, but on the bright side, I found my remote."

"Bruh, that is some SERIOUS kazoo."

Guru.

'In my experience, life is good most of the time, but come the holidays, they look at me as if I'm a nuisance...'

'Oh yeah? Well, to hell with tradition. We're building a snow woman!'

A group of people in an art gallery staring at a phone

'How are we supposed to think the unthinkable if we have to drink the drinkable?'

The Gong

"I reached Level Three of Super Mario Brothers!"

Procrastinator's Leap.

"I am in the moment - just not the moment you're in."

Bored road worker painting a smilie face

Yoga Class. Ernie, check this out -- The "lotus" position! Looks more like the "low-tush" position!

Working from home

"I'll call you back. I'm in the middle of a make-over."

'Thank you for calling the attention deficit disorder hotline. . . please continue to hold. . .'

"I consider myself to be a counterproductive member of society."

"If anyone wants me, I'll be out photobombing the tourists."

"Am I the only one who can see that sign?"

'Every dog has his day - But the nights belong to us.'

"Do you think one of you geniuses could come up with a comfortable bar stool?"

"That should keep him off our backs for a while."

"Why are we losing money hand over fist under my guidance? I could answer that or. . . WHO WANTS CANDY?!!"

"Miss Windham, I wonder if you would mind stepping in here and joining me in a thirtieth-anniversary chorus or two of 'Blowin' in the Wind'?"

"hey fans! im at bat,. btm 9th, bases loaded, score tied--oops, jst got called strike1!"

Supermarket Self Service Checkout

I Love You, Man! Dude, that's just the catnip talking.

"Can I call you back? I'm shopping."

"Everyone's complaining about the food, the orders are all mixed up...what's going on back here, anyway?"

'I didn't get your message because I'm letting my voice mailbox fill up.'