Halloween Humor Lover Pillows

'It's her own fault, she was texting at the time.'

"Don't go to my teacher's house. All she ever gives out is homework."

'Where were you on the night of October 31st?'

'Enough with the eye of newt. Do you know how many calories there are in newt eyes?'

'Who ordered the steak with garlic sauce...?'

'We have accepted your application but are noting that you have a pre-existing condition.'

'Honestly, dear, brains again?'

'Attempted self-portrait of a vampire.'

"Yes, it's a flea collar. Don't ask."

"How did I become someone who has a screaming fit about a stupid gift bag filled with little plastic things?"

Pumpkin

"Trick or Tweet!"

"Looks like you were right about her being pushy. Look at her broom."

"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

"So, turn me into a frog would you."

'I told you that 2 month old balonie was cursed!'

'Trick or treat?'

'Trans fat will do that.'

'Burl! Why did you put the spider web on our door?!. . . Now the trick-or-treaters can't get their candy!'

Witch has Exorcise Video.

'You're very clean-shaven for someone who can't use a mirror.'

"Your veins are too narrow. Let me get our in-house specialist to help."

"The peep was so cute they wanted to eat him up. And they did... head first."

"Don't worry, the spices are organic."

Eye of Newt Helper

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

Larry's used art

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Grace For Flies

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

...And he calls himself the 'Green' Giant...

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'Behold. Ed and Jim have finally reached nirvana.'